I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
