I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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