Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
