I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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