I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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