I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
