Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
