I think my fart just growled at me.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
