Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
