Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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