I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
