I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
