dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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