Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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