If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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