Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
