He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
