First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
