I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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