One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
