yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
