how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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