I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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