Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Less talking, more tequila
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
