I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
