It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
