Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
