I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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