just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
