The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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