i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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