I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
