i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
