I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
