fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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