dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We left an ass print on the piano.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
