I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
