It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
