summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
