Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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