I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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