i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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