I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
