I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
