He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
