she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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