don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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