I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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