Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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