Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
